April 2013
2 posts
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Pulled
I am doing the best that I possibly can. There is nothing left. I have no more to give. There is nothing more within me to have. I have been pulled, and stretched as far as I can go.
But it’s not enough.
And I can’t say any of this because I will cry and I can’t cry because I have nothing left.
March 2013
17 posts
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I am chronic. But I am incurable because I am not sick. I have a malignant personality.
I am a toxic leech, incapable of doing anything. I can run, and I can eat, and I can sleep. I can weigh myself incessantly every hour and meticulously count every calorie. But beyond that, I am at a loss.
I am an empty shell, staring into space. I am a silent onlooker, watching life fly by. I am a blank...
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Girl at uni: Are you happy, Olivia?
Me: Well that is a bit of a loaded question!
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“I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul”
– William Ernest Henley
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I am the author of my fate. I am the force that moves this shell. I am the choice that chooses to live as I lived today. I am the breath that breathes life into this soul again.
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It is so easy to get lost into the early hours of the morning. Like a rip tide that pulls you out to sea, gradually the shore recedes, until all at once you find yourself desolate and only, surrounded by nothing but the vast ocean.
After midnight, white noise fades into the gentle hum of cicadas. People succumb into slumber. Responsibilities fall away. And I am left all alone.
I like the night....
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Chameleon, I
I’ve come to realise that I am actually a boring person. In particular, conversationally. I can’t entertain, I don’t enthrall, and I’m not interesting. I’m just generally not all that fun to be around. Not like I used to be. It’s no wonder people don’t ask me over or invite me places; they don’t want to hang out with me.
Years of sadness and many more of nothing but forced conversations with...
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February 2013
34 posts
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Lately, it’s like the world is out of focus.
I’m more of a shell, a cocoon of my conscious self, but I’m not really there. Or maybe it’s that I’ve crawled too far into myself and now I’m stuck inside.
My mind is in Elsewhere while my body’s on autopilot. I’m looking, but I’m not seeing. I’m hearing, but I’m not listening. I’m responding, but not digesting.
Is this tiredness or...
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“Do you take pride in your hurt? Does it make you seem large and tragic? Well,...”
– ‘East of Eden’, John Steinbeck
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Happy 'Anniversary' to me. 3 Years to the day, to...
I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know how to feel.
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It’s amazing that I live at all, amongst the all-encompassing exhaustion that seems to consume my every waking hour. These days, sleep seems preferable to most other alternatives, and it’s getting harder to refuse.
Every time I tried to wake today, within a matter of minutes I found myself among dreams again. It is physically painful to be conscious and vertical, to the eyes and to the mind.
I...
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‘Aspects of Junita’ from Musical of...
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IN OTHER NEWS I HAVE A RECITAL IDEA
One that I am happy with! One I don’t feel embarrassed explaining to other people!
When I explained it to my mother, she said ‘Oh’.
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It’s nice to feel needed. It’s nice to know your knowledge is respected. That your opinion is valued. That your insight is admired.
I always thought I was ‘above’ being needed by other people. But I can see how it can be a crucial part of forming a self-worth.
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Miss Motivation
It’s such a pain that Motivation comes to visit only after midnight. What a rude house guest! She comes uninvited, inhabits the senses without permission, and makes such promises that I will undoubtedly be unable to deliver come tomorrows light once she’s gone. She keeps me up well past my bedtime, and leaves abruptly without a word of warning, deserting me when I require her the most.
It’s a...
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When I was a teenager, my mother used to beg me to take a day off school when I was sick. I was terrified of missing a day of school. Of falling behind. Of missing out. My perfectionism wouldn’t stand for it. On my death bed I would insist on going to school, and sit in class silently dying at the back of the room in a haze of fever, snivelling and coughing, doped up on a cocktail of medication.
...
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“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”
– Virginia Woolf
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Boyfriend: Did you fart?
Me: No.
Boyfriend: Did I fart and forget?
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Teacups of Time
I spent the better part of my afternoon, hidden away from the day, cleaning and clearing my grandmothers house for sale. Her tiny house is crammed with both trash and treasure, full to the brim, and almost bursting at the seams. As you walk through the halls, the house seems to swallow you up, encased in a consuming darkness, shrouded by a claustrophobic collection of crap.
Mostly, I spent my...
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I have spent a great deal of time agonising over the deterioration of my High School friendships. It hurt me. Confused me. Isolated me. In many ways, I didn’t know how to deal with the absence of girls that I grew up with, five days a week for six years. I’ve never been good with change.
Tonight, on Valentine’s Day, we begun a new tradition: dinner on every second Thursday of every second...
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Sometimes it’s important to take a step back and acknowledge our achievements. Today I woke up. Today I got dressed. Today I made it to class.
It doesn’t matter that my outfit didn’t match. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t do my makeup. It doesn’t matter that my hair looked like a crows nest. It doesn’t matter that I was late, or that I was ill-prepared for class.
I was there. That’s what...
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Miles and Piles of You.
And here I find myself again. Yet again. Obsessing. Ruminating. Plagued and consumed and possessed and tormented by the idea of you; the impossibility of your very existence without me. Searching for meaning within words that do not concern me.
Jesus Christ I thought I was over this! I thought I was over you! Sometimes I wonder whether this is a definable psychiatric illness. A facet of obsessive...
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Anonymous asked: can you give us an update on how you're going? i miss you and your posts xxxx
e-xuviate asked: You're an incredibly talented writer, love. I'm ecstatic to have found you. Thankyou for your words xx
